Memories of Falsehood

By Alexandra Kernerman Vogelhut                                                             Word Count: 672

The feeling of not being able to have someone who you truly desire is a strange kind of pain. It feels wonderful yet horrible at the same time. Every touch makes it worse but also better. Your thoughts become distracted and cannot focus on anything else. It is a feeling like love, so tortuous in its nature to the point you feel you cannot bear it further. Yet you do, because you know that it is not the right thing to do to give in to lust.

Or is it? Would it be so terrible? The feeling of someone touching you who you really want to touch you, not because they are the most attractive person or the best, but simply because it is them. Such an attraction to one person cannot be denied. It would feel so amazing to give in to every want of the heart and every need of the body.

So what stops you? What keeps you from grabbing him, pulling him towards you, kissing him in the vain hope that it will stop the pain? It’s because he isn’t yours to grab, to pull, to kiss. And you know that if he was, you would not want someone else to do to him what you wish you could. So you will take your hands away and leave them by your side. You will push him across the room, not kiss him, and walk away.

But you cannot be trusted to do such a thing. You are drawn to his presence and cannot leave it. It is intoxicating, making your breath laboured and faster. Your pulse quickens, matching your breath, and your limbs shake slightly for a reason that you cannot place.

This is not a feeling you’ve had before. It is not normal, not usual, not part of what you expected from a man.

It doesn’t help that you may not have even met him in the first place. It could have been anyone’s shoulder you tapped while searching for the smoking patio. If you had waited a second longer before asking he would have been gone already, and you would never have met him. At a bar neither of you had any intention of going to before that night. At place you had never been to before, you met someone who has come to mean something. This may have happened with anyone. But it didn’t, it happened with him, so it is him who you are stuck with. And you want him.

Another problem is the timing. You have a month left together, after which you may never see each other again. The thought depresses you. He will go back to his girlfriend, maybe he will miss you, but it is likely that you will pass into the haze of memory. A fond dream he once had. There is no love for you to go back to. You cannot console yourself in someone else’s arms. You will lie awake wondering what would have happened if you could have been together longer.

And maybe you will get bored of him. How should you know? Maybe he is just like almost everyone else you have been attracted to. Not part of the small percentage of people who stay in your heart.

But what if he is. Maybe you will grow to love him, maybe you will meet again one day and decide to have a life together. Would it be worth risking that future?

The fact remains that what has happened to you only happens in movies and books; cheesy romantic comedies that you hate because nothing like them happens in real life. No two reluctant people go to a club they don’t want to be in, dragged there by their friends, and spend all night with probably the only other person in the building who isn’t a fan of where they are. And they love the night they had since they spent it with someone who means something. Somehow it did happen, and it happened to you.

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